3 Types of Love

The Layers of Love: How We Grow From Getting to Giving

When two people promise to love one another, they rarely imagine how much that promise will stretch them. In the glow of early connection, love feels effortless—a current that carries both hearts forward. But lasting love is not found in that rush. It’s born from what remains when the glow fades and the choice to love becomes more challenging.

Most relationships, whether romantic or not, pass through these layers of love. These layers reveal how we understand connection—what we seek, what we give, and what we allow God to shape in us.

At Growth Counseling, we see couples navigate three key movements of love. These aren't strict stages but rhythms that shape every relationship. Understanding them brings clarity, empathy, and a path to renewal.

1. Love That Seeks to Be Filled : Love for the sake of self

Most relationships start here, drawn by the natural delight of connection—the spark of attraction, the comfort of shared laughter, the security of being truly seen. This love says, "I cherish how you make me feel alive and valued." We love what they bring to the table and appreciate things like their humor, looks, or helpfulness.

It's a good beginning, the gift of chemistry that draws hearts together. Yet when it remains our foundation, it can shift toward self-focus. Our partner's role becomes filling our emotional needs, and disappointment follows when they can't.

Reflection for your relationship: If you don’t get the reaction you want in a relationship, do you stop doing it? If it stops feeling good, do you pull away? The question becomes: Do I love the person, or the feeling they give me? If so, this may be your current layer. Awareness is the first step to deeper freedom.

Emotional chemistry can start a relationship, but it cannot sustain it. Love that seeks only to be filled eventually runs dry because no human heart can endlessly pour out what only God renews.

2. Love That Seeks to Be Fair: Transactional Love

As realities like parenting, work demands, or past hurts emerge, love often shifts to transactions: "I'll give if you give. I'll listen if you listen. I'll serve if it's noticed." It begins to look like scorekeeping.

There's a good side—recognizing opportunities to build reciprocity rather than staying purely self-focused.

This kind of love feels safe because it's measurable, protecting against unfairness. Yet the scorecard always leads to resentment. Sooner or later, one person feels they're doing more or carrying the load alone.

This mirrors Scripture's "life under the law." As Romans 7:14 says: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin."

Life rarely divides evenly (as Brené Brown notes, relationships are never 50/50). We overvalue our efforts and undervalue our spouse's, breeding unfairness feelings.

Sometimes grace looks like giving more when your partner has less. Sometimes it means receiving without shame when you’re the one who has none to give. It invites us to replace competition with compassion. It move from an “I” heart posture to an “us” heart posture. As one couple said, “We stopped keeping score the day we realized we were on the same team.”

Even in its best form, transactional love feels more like a contract than a conncetion. When our focus shifts to what we’re owed, we stop relating and start litigating—making arguments, keeping score, preparing defenses. It traps us in cycles of attack and self-protection, turning love into a tug-of-war instead of a partnership.

Reflection: In what ways are you keeping score? How does that affect your conflicts? Do you find yourself concerned with defending yourself in most conflicts?

3. Love That Seeks to Give: Self for the Sake of Love

We serve a God who does not love fairly. Forgiveness is not fair. Grace is not fair. Mercy is not fair. The selfless love of the cross was not fair. God took what we deserved and gave us love instead.

This final form—what Scripture calls Agape—is not a feeling we muster. It's love poured into us by God and meant to flow outward, creating value in the other simply by choosing to see it.

Agape is not erasing the self but the willing offering of a whole self. It’s love that gives from fullness, not depletion. It says, “I am secure enough in God’s love that I can freely love you, even when you cannot return it in equal measure right now.”

It’s the love of the cross—wildly generous, completely undeserved, utterly transformative. When couples begin to embody Agape, their relationship becomes a place where grace circulates freely, healing happens quietly, and joy resurfaces stronger than before.

It is a love that sounds impossible. Because it is impossible. At least it is impossible without first receiving this same type of deep love from God. "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). God is our source. He describes himself as our living water and the bread of life. God is the sustenance we need to love this way.

This kind of love can only come from a willing choice. As Jesus said in John 10:18, no one took His life from Him—He laid it down freely, by His own authority. In the same way, this love is never about surrendering under pressure or excusing boundary violations. When something is taken from us without consent, it naturally leads to bitterness or emptiness. But when we choose to give freely, it brings life not only to the receiver but also to the giver.

In fact studies such as those done at Chicago, North Western, and Penn State show that giving this type of love often provides more sustained psychological benefits resulting in better well being. In a recent marriage research this concept of love, which they labeled as ‘transcendent love’ has been show to be the best indicator of lasting satisfaction in relationships. *

Reflection: What is it like for you to love without expecting something in return? What mindsets or beliefs make this difficult? What practical elements make this most challenging?

Renew Your Love Story

At Growth Counseling, we guide couples through these layers with biblical wisdom and proven tools. Whether you're stuck in scorekeeping or seeking deeper intimacy, hope awaits—renewed connection is possible.

Ready to move toward grace-filled love? Contact us today for a free consultation. Let's uncover the Agape your marriage was designed for.

For more on love and relationships take a look at these articles.

👉 Communication of the Heart: A Guide to Changing Your Relationship

👉 Insights and Strategies for Restoring Your Marriage

Sources:

*2023 study "Values in Romantic Relationships: The Role of Self-Transcendence." by Dr. Rotem Kahalon and Dr. Maya S. Oliver