Communication of the Heart: A Guide to Understanding and Changing Your Relationships
She Said, He Heard: Understanding Mental Maps in Communication
Communication and relationship are two sides of the same coin. If we’re relating, we’re communicating — and if we’re communicating, we’re relating. We’re crossing the space between you and I to relate with one another. That makes this topic absolutely foundational for life and faith.
This matters so deeply to God because God is a trinitarian relationship. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit live in a perfect, loving, harmonious relationship. God created the world to share in that beauty — to glorify and participate in His love. That means the goal of all our communication and relationships is to reflect the harmony, beauty, and love of the Triune God.
But let’s be honest, not all our communication reflects that harmony. Sometimes, it gets messy. Why? Because communication and relationships are both difficult.
Why Communication Is Harder Than It Looks
We often think communication is simple: one person talks, another listens. Easy, right? But true communication isn’t just talking and hearing — it’s making common meaning. You can talk for hours and never actually understand each other if an understanding is not reached.
Often our dialogues sound like this:
She says, “I need help”
He hears, “You’re not doing enough”
She says: "I had such a stressful day at the office."
He hears: "I need you to fix this."
She says, “I’m upset”
He hears, “I’m upset with you and it’s all your fault”
She says: "I’m worried about our budget this month."
He hears: "You don't provide enough for this family."
Or on a positive note, remember the movie Princess Bride, he says, “As you wish” and she hears “ I love you!”
Any married person can relate! You say one thing, but the other person hears another thing. Communication gaps happen all the time:
Perspective: Honesty vs Truth
The gulf between what’s said and what is heard can be huge! Communication is complex because there’s a lot of thinking that can go wrong between what’s spoken and what’s received. There’s a lot that happens in the empty space between one person’s mouth and another person’s ears. I think about it as a filter or translation device that is placed between one person’s mouth and the other person’s ears.
You might be having two completely different conversations without realizing it —and writing two entirely different stories.
Honesty and truth are not the same thing. We can each be speaking from our own limited honest perspectives but have radically different takes on the same events. Honesty is the way we experience an event. But it does not tell the whole story. The truth acknowledges our perspective as well as other person’s. God sees all this and more. God’s perspective is truth.
As Proverbs 21:2 says, “People may be right in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their heart.”
Mental Maps: How We See the World
Every one of us lives by a mental map — our internal way of understanding reality.
Your map is shaped by:
Past experiences
Assumptions and rules from family culture and upbringing
Personality and communication style
Education and beliefs
We naturally assume our map is the territory — that how we see the world is how things really are. But everyone’s map is different.
When we forget that, differences turn into moral judgments: “If you disagree with me, you’re just wrong.” Most people take opinions, preferences, and perspective and turn them into black and white moral absolutes where one person is wrong the other is right, one person is the good guy and the other is the bad. Can you imagine what this leads to in a relationship? — If you said fighting you’re correct!
Our mental maps act as filterswhich translate or interpret the events of our lives. This means, if we can humbly accept it that we are not seeing the world as it is but through the lens of our maps and experience. If my filter says “critique of my action = rejection of me as a person” even small or neutral comments can feel extremely painful.
Impact vs. Intent
We often focus on our own experience of the event and write stories about ourselves, other, or God based on this. If we are the one talking in a conversation we know the intention behind our words. And that feels like the truth to us. But if we are the one listening, we know the impact the words had on us. And that feels like the truth to us. But the paradox that can be most challenging is that both are true. Both the intentions of the one person and the impact on the other person are real things. Each is reflective of the honest experience of one person.
What happens? There is an interpretation to every interaction. One person tells a joke and the other one hears an insult. One person asks for help and the other hears a critique. The visual image I have is one person throws a football and the other person gets hit in the head with a rock.
We can begin to bridge the gap between us when we recognize that impact and intentions are different. This allow us to move toward understanding. We can listen to the impact our actions had without being defensive because recognizing the impact our actions had does not eliminate the intentions we had or vice versa. The goal is to broaden our understanding from our own individual perspectives to the truth that includes both intent and impact.
A Zero Sum Game?
Because we are starting out with our own perspectives and trusting our own mental maps, we typically try to win the conflict by sharing our perspective and understanding. We attempt to justify ourselves by proving that we are right and are the good guy. Or at least not wrong and the bad guy (which may have had major consequences attached to it when we were growing up!) And we’ll only know that we proved our rightness and goodness when the other person understands us and agree with us. In other words when the other person comes into our mental map and begins to understand our experiences and our understanding of the situation.
When you have two people who both want to be heard and understood and neither have the capacity to listen and understand it creates a zero sum game with a winner and a loser. There can only be one person who walks out of the conflict justified. And this leads to a stand off where each person is waiting for the other person to move.
It’s only when we begin to see that this 'relational dance’ is anti-relational and ineffective that we can begin to ask, “Is there a better way?”
You First…
Someone needs to be the first mover. In this standoff we have an opportunity to be like Christ. This means choosing to love by listening. Often this feels like we are taking up our cross or stepping into the fire. It will often bring things up large emotional reactions in us. Healthy communication requires suspending your own map long enough to explore someone else’s. That’s what listening really means.
Being the first to listen sounds easy enough but it is often very difficult or can feel impossible because what they are talking about affects your life or may even be about you. You’re going to feel the urge to defend yourself instead of listening and to correct all the things you see differently. In other words we want to pull them into our mental map. But when we do this we short circuit the emotional arc— remember that they want to be listened to and understood. If we challenge and correct too often we end up with emotional rabbit trails instead of closed emotional arcs. Test and see that when we listen and they feel understood how much more likely we are to be listened to ourselves. Instead of neither person being listened to both people can be heard.
Building Bridges
This is when we can begin building bridges, putting our two stories together under the light of God’s presence. When we put the story together we usually begin to see misunderstandings and patterns that have worked against our relationship. We can begin to challenge the negative interpretations that we make that don’t match the full truth. This takes a humble heart and often a lot of prayer and reflection.
Our core identity — as valued, loved, justified in Christ— should never be at stake in conflict. Only the actions that we made.
What God declares about you on the Cross is unchanging.
Maybe you recognize you made a mistake — and you can own it, find forgiveness, and learn from it.
Or maybe they’re hurt — and this gives you a chance to minister to their heart in love.
Practically Speaking
Begin with something like, “Help me to understand.”
Ask clarifying questions like:
“It sounds like saying …”
“Can you tell me how that felt to you?”
Compassion is a key ingredient. We can’t remain apathetic or removed emotionally and expect to build relational connection. We need to move out from behind our defensive walls and feel at least a little of what they are feeling in order to understand their experience.
Validation is important. Validation isn’t agreeing — it’s an acknowledgment that they are experiencing what they are experiencing.
"I can see why you feel that way."
"That sounds really frustrating."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that."
Suspend judgment long enough to hear them out. Remember that every person is coming from a different place and most of the assumptions we made are what got us into the conflict in the first place. The goal isn’t to determine who’s right or wrong — it’s to create understanding.
Unpacking Heart Messages
Most conflict between two people is not about clear ethical violations, it’s about heart messages sent accidentally. He says “I have to work late” and she hears “I’m not important to you.”
Emotionally focused therapy uses these questions to unpack heart messages:
What was the Trigger?
What was different about what was shown emotionally on the surface vs deep down? For example maybe anger was shown on the surface but hurt was underneath it.
What were you really hoping for in that moment?
What messages did I accidentally send about you or the relationship? (I see these as the subtitles to the actual dialogue. This is actually the most significant element of the emotional response and can be influenced by our earlier experiences like trauma.
The more we practice this, the stronger and more resilient our relationships become. Through that process, we model relationships that reflect God’s love and ascribe worth to others — even in adversity.
Speak Life
All of this leads up to what I believe is the most important part of the whole process. Clearing up misunderstandings and listening well are amazing acts of love and kindness but this last piece is incredible in its power to transform a relationship.
Speak Life- If someone you love believes something untrue about themselves that’s hurting them in deep ways then this gives you the opportunity to share how you feel about them. Tell them. Tell them you care. Tell them what they mean to you. Tell them how God sees them! And do the things that display that message in your day to day life.
The Apostle Paul reminds us: “Do everything in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:14)
Love sees others as people Jesus thought were worth dying for. That’s the foundation for Christ centered communication.
Every conversation is an opportunity to ascribe immeasurable worth to the other person — just as Christ did on the Cross. When our communication flows from that love, we reflect the Triune God in all His beauty and harmony.
At Growth Counseling, our mission is to help you integrate faith and psychology for lasting transformation. Whether you’re navigating anxious thoughts, relationship tension, or spiritual disconnection, we’re here to come alongside you with tools and compassionate support.
👉 Schedule a session today and take the next step toward renewed thinking and restored peace.
